Self-wholness

Here is a self-study of some internal "character's" that I'm getting to know.  If you think this is strange language, it's helpful to understand the ideas found in "Internal Family Systems Models" by Richard C Schwartsz.   I'm crafting these stories for my own healing. . . .   

"Teach yourself to work in uncertainty"  Bernard Malamud

This rough draft was started 2/15/2013.  Today is 4/16/2020 (major edits are highlighted in orange).  A bit more than seven years ago.

The single lesson for me at this time might be:  accepting any internal goodness.  To look within for new reserves of loving acceptance--I've not done so as often as needed this week.  The feelings and emotions have been strong.  Inside, what do/did I find?  A big mess.  A society of emotions and feelings that simply got out of hand.  I had a riot on my hands--I think.  What soothes me?  Space.  Can I create enough space that I can actually accomplish something?

Here is where the experiment begins...I am.  This is enough.

Joy comes from within. This is perhaps the simplest common denominator.  

I can control the internal mechanisms.  The riot was over the outward life-circumstances pressing our weak areas.  The society bought the troubles of the outside world.  Why the catastrophizing?  It serves some purpose.  The field of energy (inward experience interacting with outside stimuli) excited a response in me.  

I don't want at the moment to deal with D.  I don't want to deal with meeting R's expectations.  I don't  . . . Why?  These outside factors feel new.  Are they evil/dangerous?  Will they hurt me?  Will they destroy me? 

The comfort zone seems to expand a little.  An internal resource is tapped.  My wise mind says: "We will be able to survive.  My family will stay in tack. (or not)  My income will actually increase. (It has--tripled 'tripppled'.)  My peace of mind won't be too disturbed. (Debatable) I will still be a whole person when all is said and done.  (Dido, did not likely "know" I was gay when I wrote this.  I'm still wholly me!)  After all how would a new discovery take place any other way.  I do relish adventure. (Yep) I enjoy discovering new things. 

Some of my parts get scared.  They feel ill-at-ease.  Rejection, annihilation...this is where their story turns, very quickly. 

Parts:  "I hear your complaints. The appreciation factor is running low.  Those tanks are empty.  You guys are really hungry for love and acceptance.  Vulnerable, wow, is that a huge part of your agony?"

I can see a few hundred feet of my heart.  Can I go higher?  Is there a view that I may take from about 500 Ft. up?  I'm not abandoning you.  I'm gaining perspective.  I'm noticing something... 

Worry can you come up here?  

(Arm around worry's shoulder, with a worried smile clouding his face)  

What do you see Worry?

...Notice how fear, anxiety, hurt are all huddled over there in that cold dark place, and 20 steps away is a beautiful warm safe park.
...It's filled with flowers, birds, foot paths, trees, grass, golfing ranges,
...notice how the familiarity of their surroundings (a self-made prison cell) keeps them isolated from all this beauty.
...Don't miss the point of what you see.

Worry let's look over this way (pointing now away from others), what do you see?  

A lovely lake?
Little cabanas along the edge?
Aren't they just wonderful?

...Oh, little decks running right over the water.
...Even in the summer sun there is so much shade, and the breeze blows at the very hottest part of the day too. See the linen curtains swaying in the breeze now?
...These are for you.

Worry. How'd you like to move, today, right now?

You'd' like a cabana over their?

A vacation might clear your mind, you know.

I have a cool job for you.

In the next two weeks. I want you to worry about prosperity.
What could you do, how could you contribute?
When could you, and how could you take this gift and expand this new role into something extra ordinary?
Think about a two week goal. That'll be about exactly the end of February to enjoy a leisurely vacation, and to think of your new role.

Right now,

...any time you feel the need to go back to the dark prison cell, and cry with anxiety, fear, and rejection, then
...go to that wonderful little nook over-looking the lake and the beautiful mountains smiling down on you,
...sit at that ornate writing desk, take that journal up and describe what you see.
...then, if after ten minutes you feel like you'd still like to run back that two miles to that cave of a prison, and do your buddy thing with despair, well okay.

Be honest.  

Before you go back to that prison, you might go for a dip first.
Maybe the reality of that perfectly warm water rushing over your body will awaken your desire for a new life.
Isn't that just a perfect setting?  

....Mountains, lake, paddle steamer off up that distant valley. 

...Oh, did I tell you that the steamer has awesome food and dancing? 

...The boat puts in every night at a lovely hotel.

Since I own the boat and the hotels......

Worry.  What are you feeling now?  

I'm thinking, that I'm getting the feeling, that you know that I love you.
I'd like to reverse the role of sickness, suffering, under-nourishment, sleeplessness, isolation, and the whole sordid lot your life.
This is your new day.  

Worry, how about a new name for yourself.

I'd like to call you by another name.

You pick your new identity.

............................................. ? ..............................................

Even today 4/16/2020 I'm noticing not only the relevancy of this thought experiment, but the poignancy of  caring for those parts of ourselves that are feeling vulnerable.  Perspective. But only for a measure, even a small bit of perspective.

...So this is the boundless energy of self-wholeness.  This is teaching myself to trust in uncertainty.